I once read that there are two things in life you should never let someone see you do: pick your nose and trim your toenails. I was reminded of this after watching a “Seinfeld” rerun this past weekend where Jerry is scratching the outer edge of his nostril, but his girlfriend sees him from the opposite side and thinks it’s “a pick.”
Don't worry. I am not going to write about nose picking. But, beware, I am going to write about toenail trimming.
We have most all seen old people with horrendously long toenails. Sharp edges. Yellow in color. Disgusting. As a younger man, I often wondered how this could possibly happen. Just trim your toenails, for Pete’s sake. It’s not that difficult.
Now I understand. My toenail-trimming process has been the same for years, but it is getting more challenging. I step up one foot at a time to the toilet seat, grab the clippers and trim away, shooting the shrapnel into the toilet bowl. Easy enough. But now I find myself having to stretch before I start the process. The back and legs just don’t bend in that position so naturally anymore. As such, I find that I don't trim my toenails as often. They now have sharp edges. A bit yellow in color. And, well, disgusting.
During my freshman year in college, my friend Joel entered my dorm room and asked if I had a toenail clipper. I handed him one, and he proceeded to trim his toenails — on my bed. I yelled, “What are you doing!” He responded with the deer-in-the-headlights look. I told him to trim his toenails in his own room. I never saw those clippers again, and that’s a good thing.
Have you ever trimmed a baby’s toenails? They are so soft and clean, they practically trim themselves. Trimming an older person’s toenails is like cutting through iron. What happened?
My wife tells me I should have a pedicure. She’s probably right, but it just doesn’t seem natural for me. Then again, bending over the toilet seat isn’t either.
Have a terrific toenail-trimming Tuesday, and thanks for reading.
Shane Goodman
President and Publisher
Big Green Umbrella Media
shane@dmcityview.com
515-953-4822, ext. 305 | 
